O Canada!
by Phosphorescent
Summary: "Kids, in the summer of 2012, Robin dragged Barney up to Canada for a week-long Canada Day celebration. He wasn't particularly appreciative of this in the beginning..."
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer: Roses are red,/ violets are blue,/ I wrote this disclaimer/ so you won't sue.  
_

_A/N: Written for __sullenduchess_' Canada Day prompt in the barneyrobin livejournal. It isn't a particularly realistic fic, as there's no way Barney and Robin would go on a week-long trip all by themselves at this point in time in canon. Also, the fallout of B/Q is barely discussed. Still, if you can manage to get past these two major sticking points, I think this should be a fun ride.  


_Happy Canada Day to those of you who celebrate it!  
_

* * *

**Chapter One  
**

* * *

_Future!Ted: "Kids, in the summer of 2012, your Aunt Robin dragged your Uncle Barney up to Canada for a week-long Canada Day celebration. He was down in the dumps after his engagement with Quinn ended, and Robin wanted to cheer him up." _

_Daughter: "Wait, I thought Uncle Barney, like, hated Canada."_

_Son: "Yeah, how would going to Canada cheer him up?"_

___Future!Ted:_ "Wait and see, kids. Wait and see."

_Daughter: "Dad, that's what you said when we asked when you were going to finally meet Mom, and we're _still_–"_

___Future!Ted:_ "Barney and Robin left for Canada in late June…"

_____-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_

"Your very first Canada Day since you found out you were one-quarter Canadian," Robin told a despondent-looking Barney, "has to be special."

Barney stared blankly into his drink.

"Which is why," Robin continued cheerfully, "we'll be going to Canada to celebrate it! That's right, I got us plane tickets."

She slapped the tickets on the table, causing Barney's head to snap up.

"What?" he said.

"We're going to Canada," Robin repeated. "And I'm going to teach you everything you need to know about the Great White North while we're there."

"Uh, no you won't," Barney said, a spark of life returning to his eyes. "'Cause I'm not going."

"Barney, I already paid for the tickets. You're going."

"I'll reimburse you."

Robin sighed. "Why don't we put it to a group vote?"

"Now you're talking!" Barney exclaimed.

When the rest of the group arrived at the bar, Robin summarized the situation.

"So?" she concluded. "Thoughts?"

Ted spoke first. "If Barney doesn't want to go, he shouldn't have to go. Leave him alone, Robin."

"Yes!" Barney said, pumping a fist. "One vote for staying in America. Marshall?

"Sorry dude," Marshall said, "but I've gotta go with Robin on this. It's your heritage. Besides, Robin already bought the tickets."

Robin beamed.

"Lily," Barney said. "It's up to you break the tie. Choose wisely, for my fate is in your hands."

Looking slightly pained, Lily said, "I agree with Robin. Look, Barney, you need to snap out of this funk, and a trip to Canada might be just what you need."

"_Lily_," Barney whined, "I thought we were friends. How could you do this to me?"

"_Because_ we're friends," Lily replied. "It's for your own good."

"For my own good," Barney said with a shudder. "That's exactly what Judas Iscariot said before he betrayed Jesus: 'Sorry bro, this is for your own good.' True story."

Ted snorted. "OK, I get that you don't want to go to Canada, but don't you think you're being a little melodramatic?"

"Ted, it's _Canada_," Barney retorted.

Ted paused to consider this, then said, "OK, fair point."

"Ted!" Robin groaned.

"Sorry, Robin," Ted replied. "He's got a point."

Robin rolled her eyes.

"So when are the two of you leaving?" Marshall asked.

Robin answered, "Tomorrow morning."

"Oh, that's too bad," Barney immediately said. "I have a big presentation to make to the North Koreans at work tomorrow and I just can't miss it. Gee, Robin, I hope you have fun in Canada."

"No you don't," Robin said with a snort. "I checked with your secretary before I bought the tickets. You don't have anything lined up all week."

"Foiled by my own organizational standards," Barney murmured mournfully.

"Here's your packing list," Robin continued, handing Barney a sheet of paper. "I'll be outside your apartment bright and early tomorrow morning to drive us to the airport. If you make us miss the flight, I will shoot you and hide the evidence."

Barney lightly banged his head against the table with a thud.

"God, what have I done to deserve this? I ask you, what?"

___-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_

___Future!Ted:_ "But kids, whether we deserve something or not is irrelevant. And what Barney didn't know was that this trip would forever change his life – and, by extension, all of our lives…"

___-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_

_[The HIMYM theme music and opening credits begin to play.]_

___-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_


	2. Chapter 2

_Disclaimer: I don't own HIMYM. Similarly, I don't own or write for the real Broslife (Barney's 'official' twitter account).  
_

_A/N: Since this chapter is written in pseudo-twitter form, I suggest reading it from the bottom up. I hope the formatting isn't too confusing; u__nfortunately, FF.N doesn't permit the 'at' symbol, so I had to figure out ways around using it._  


_To all of my readers: thank you so much for your kind reviews, and a happy USA Independence Day to those of you who celebrate it!  
_

* * *

**Chapter Two  
**

* * *

_**Tweets**_

**___-–-–-–-–-_ _-–-–-–-–-_ _-–-–-–-–- __-–-–-–-–-_ _-–-–-–-–-_ _-–-–-–-–-_   
**

**Barney Stinson at Broslife, 30 June [1 hour ago]  
**

_Ho_ Canada! Heh. Off to a Canada Day Parade in Toronto tomorrow. Wish me luck… there's gotta be a hot chick there _somewhere_. Maybe a tourist?

_-–-–-–-–-_

**Barney Stinson ****at ****Broslife**, 30 June [4 hours ago]  


Playing laser tag. The venue isn't as good as the ones in America, but it's still pretty awesome.

_-–-–-–-–-_

**Barney Stinson ****at ****Broslife**, 30 June **[10 hours, 55 minutes ago]**

And apparently there aren't any nearby. Thanks_,_ Sherbatsky; way to crush my dreams. _#why Canada sucks_

_-–-–-–-–-_

**Barney Stinson ****at ****Broslife**, 30 June **[10 hours, 56 minutes ago]**

Apparently they serve "Pirate Pak" children's meals.

_-–-–-–-–-_

**Barney Stinson ****at ****Broslife**, 30 June **[10 hours, 58 minutes ago]**

Their most famous condiment? "Triple O" sauce. Heh._  
_

_-–-–-–-–-_

**Barney Stinson ****at ****Broslife**, 30 June [11 hours ago]  


The greatest discovery ever: Canadian restaurant chain White Spot has a – wait for it – "Legendary Burger." Canada, I now understand why we allow you to exist. _#legendary_

_-–-–-–-–-_

**Barney Stinson ****at ****Broslife**, 29 June

toddobrien: Hockey may be better than I remembered, but if I hear one more useless statistic I'm gonna go "oot" of my mind.

[Show Conversation:

Todd J. O'Brien at toddobrien posted to Broslife, "I thought hockey was a 'noble sport' now?"]

_-–-–-–-–-_

**Barney Stinson ****at ****Broslife**, 29 June

Visiting the Hockey Hall of Fame. If I don't emerge alive, arrange for some really hot chicks to gyrate on my grave.

_-–-–-–-–-_

**Barney Stinson ****at ****Broslife**, 29 June

Casa Loma "represents one man's architectural dream. However, Pellat's dream went awry and contributed to his downfall." Hear that, Ted?

_-–-–-–-–-_

**Barney Stinson ****at ****Broslife**, 29 June

At Casa Loma. Or is it Casa _in your Ma_…

_-–-–-–-–-_

**Barney Stinson ****at ****Broslife**, 28 June

I told her that we aren't missing much, but I don't think she believes me.

_-–-–-–-–-_

**Barney Stinson ****at ****Broslife**, 28 June

Sherbatsky is bemoaning the fact that we won't be here for the Canadian National Exhibition.

_-–-–-–-–-_

**Barney Stinson ****at ****Broslife**, 28 June

At Canada's Wonderland amusement park. Where's the Robin Sparkles ride?

_-–-–-–-–-_

**Barney Stinson ****at ****Broslife**, 27 June

For the record, though: the War of 1812 was won by the good ol' United States of America. Geez, Canada, get it right.

_-–-–-–-–-_

**Barney Stinson ****at ****Broslife**, 27 June

Canada was founded in blahblahblahblah... yeah. That's how much I care. No more history museums, Sherbatsky.

_-–-–-–-–-_

**Barney Stinson ****at ****Broslife**, 27 June

mrmapleleaf: Appreciating the occasional Canadian item does not mean that I am "going native."

[Show Conversation:

Adam Williams at mrmapleleaf posted to Broslife, "So, you like double-doubles, eh? And poutine and scrunchins? Sounds to me like yer goin' native."]

_-–-–-–-–-_

**Barney Stinson ****at ****Broslife**, 27 June

At CN Tower, one of the "Seven Wonders of the Modern World." It's pretty impressive, but not nearly as impressive as the one in my pants.

_-–-–-–-–-_

**Barney Stinson ****at ****Broslife**, 27 June

I have to admit, Tim Hortons' "double-doubles" are decent. And the "scrunchins" we bought at the gas station aren't bad either.

_-–-–-–-–-_

**Barney Stinson ****at ****Broslife**, 26 June

RIP, Nora Ephron. And hey, thanks for all the chicks I've nailed while watching your movies! _#solemn low five_

_-–-–-–-–-_

**Barney Stinson ****at ****Broslife**, 26 June

Brushing up on my Canadian sex acts. Remember, when traveling abroad, it's only polite to know a bit of the local tongue.

_-–-–-–-–-_

**Barney Stinson ****at ****Broslife**, 26 June

JenniferG: _Yeah_, I'll show you how to handle a stick.

[Show Conversation:

Jennifer Angela Garner at JenniferG posted to Broslife, "Hey, Barney, can you teach me how to handle a hockey stick? I'm getting tired of playing all by myself. ;)"]

_-–-–-–-–-_

**Barney Stinson ****at ****Broslife**, 26 June

More: "takes it in deep," "penetrating the zone," "undressing the defense," "body check," "two-on-one," "give and go."

_-–-–-–-–-_

**Barney Stinson ****at ****Broslife**, 26 June

Some terms of interest for budding enthusiasts: "in the crease," "in the slot," "backdoor sticking," "ball sack, "pulling the goalie."

_-–-–-–-–-_

**Barney Stinson ****at ****Broslife**, 26 June

Watching hockey live. A far nobler sport than I remembered.

_-–-–-–-–-_

**Barney Stinson ****at ****Broslife**, 25 June

Google "Happy Canada Day/July 4th You Know You're in Canada When …" and read the list from last year. Word, Karen. Word.

_-–-–-–-–-_

**Barney Stinson ****at ****Broslife**, 25 June

Oh, you thought I was talking about _food_. Well, if you must know: Poutine = delicious. Caesars = not.

_-–-–-–-–-_

**Barney Stinson ****at ****Broslife**, 25 June

Sampling the native fare; the breasts here are succulent, if rather small.

_-–-–-–-–-_

**Barney Stinson ****at ****Broslife**, 25 June

Free again! The security guard said we'd both get marks on our records, but no need to worry: no one takes Canadian charges seriously.

_-–-–-–-–-_

**Barney Stinson ****at ****Broslife**, 24 June

In the Canadian Fossil Discovery Center's security office. Apparently touching the exhibits wasn't strictly allowed…

_-–-–-–-–-_

**Barney Stinson ****at ****Broslife**, 24 June

Some cool dinosaur bones here, but if you want to see the biggest bone in the place, buy a ticket for a tour in my pants.

_-–-–-–-–-_

**Barney Stinson ****at ****Broslife**, 24 June

Currently at the Canadian Fossil Discovery "Centre."

_-–-–-–-–-_

** Barney Stinson ****at ****Broslife**, 24 June

lilasmith: Slanderous lies! I may be 25% Canadian, but rounding up the other 75% (American) makes me 100+% awesome.

[Show Conversation:

Liliana Smith at lilasmith posted to Broslife, "By continually ragging on Canada, you're suggesting that you aren't 100% awesome. After all, you _are_ one-quarter Canadian."]

_-–-–-–-–-_

**Barney Stinson ****at ****Broslife**, 23 June

Isn't saying that you "Don't Want to Be a Canadian Idiot" redundant? Still, Weird Al got some things right…

_-–-–-–-–-_

**Barney Stinson ****at ****Broslife**, 23 June

Changing U.S. dollars to Canadian "dollars."

_-–-–-–-–-_

**Barney Stinson ****at ****Broslife**, 23 June

Waiting at customs. There's a surprisingly long line of people who want to enter Canada; poor saps probably think this is the line to America.

_-–-–-–-–-_

**Barney Stinson ****at ****Broslife**, 23 June

Latest Haiku: '4 in the AM. on my way to the airport. kill me now, I plead.'

_-–-–-–-–-_

**Barney Stinson ****at ****Broslife**, 22 June

SuitsRCool: You see, while normal cold makes boobs delightfully perky, the unnatural cold of Canada causes them to shrink. True story. Pam barely made it "oot" in time.

[Show Conversation]

_-–-–-–-–-_

**Barney Stinson ****at ****Broslife**, 22 June

SuitsRCool: Nice twitter account name! In answer to your question, the lovely Ms. Anderson is an aberration, not the norm. And you'll note that she moved to the US ASAP.

[Show Conversation:

Jason Tyler at SuitsRCool posted to Broslife, "You say boobs die in Canada, so how do you explain Pamela Anderson?"]

_-–-–-–-–-_

**Barney Stinson ****at ****Broslife**, 22 June

To comfort me, please send pictures of yourself if you are female and hot.

_-–-–-–-–-_

**Barney Stinson ****at ****Broslife**, 22 June

That, or I will have shuffled off this mortal coil rather than suffer any longer.

_-–-–-–-–-_

**Barney Stinson ****at ****Broslife**, 22 June

So if you don't hear from me again, it's 'cuz I can't get internet in That Place (AKA Canada). *shudders*

_-–-–-–-–-_

**Barney Stinson ****at ****Broslife**, 22 June

I'm being taken against my will to a frozen wasteland where dreams, fashion-sense, boobs, and wireless connections go to die.

_-–-–-–-–-_


	3. Chapter 3

_Disclaimer: I still don't own HIMYM._

_A/N: Once again, thanks to everyone who has reviewed! I truly appreciate you taking the time to leave feedback.  
_

* * *

**Chapter Three  
**

* * *

_Future!Ted: "Right, so where was I?"_

_Son: "You just gave us printed copies of Uncle Barney's twitters from 18 years ago."_

_Daughter (in an undertone to Son): "I think I'm scarred for life."_

_Son: "Dad, isn't it a little… creepy that you gave us these?"_

_Daughter: "Yeah, if you won't think about our mental health, what about Uncle Barney's right to privacy?"_

_Future!Ted: "Don't be ridiculous. If Barney didn't want these to be read, he wouldn't have posted them online in the first place. But that reminds me, kids, a word of warning: once you put something on the internet, it's there forever and anyone can access it. So be cybersafe."_

_[Kids stare dully at him.]_

_Future!Ted: "Anyway, back to the story… while Barney and Robin were Bro-ing out in Canada, I was on a romantic cross-country road trip with Victoria, and Marshall and Lily were preparing for Baby Marvin's first Fourth of July. Or maybe 'freaking out' about it is more accurate…"_

_-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_

"Baby, relax," Marshall told his wife. "It's all going to go fine."

"I know, I know; I just want Marvin's first holiday to be perfect," Lily fretted. "And since we're the only ones here –"

_-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_

_Future!Ted: "Oh, that's right, I forgot to mention: back in the day, we had Fourth of July Traditions with a capital 'T.' You know, like in that song from _Fiddler on the Roof_?"_

_Son: "Seriously, Dad. Don't sing."_

_Daughter: "Just… don't. Please."_

_Future!Ted: "You two wouldn't appreciate culture if it bit you. Fine. As I was saying, we were big on our traditions back then. Every year, we'd get together for a special BBQ bash: grill some food, watch _A Christmas Story_ and _Independence Day_, and then set off some sparklers (which was usually followed by a trip to the ER). In the wake of Marvin's birth, Lily had scrapped some of our traditions while clinging fiercely to others, and our version of the Fourth of July was one tradition that she wanted to maintain. Add in the typical new-parent sleep deprivation, and Lily was a bit____…_ forceful in her attempts at keeping said tradition afloat."

_-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_

"– we have twice the amount of work to do," Lily exclaimed a tad hysterically.

"There really isn't all that much prep work to be done," Marshall said tentatively.

"Oh, that isn't the _point_!" Lily said. "It's just… this is the first time we haven't all spent the Fourth of July together."

_-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_

_Future!Ted: "Kids, this wasn't strictly true. After all, Lily hadn't been in San Francisco on the 4th in 2006, while Robin had spent the 4th of 2008 in Argentina. Still, Marshall wisely chose not to mention this to Lily."_

_-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_

"And we don't even know if Robin and Barney will be back in time!" Lily continued. "I mean, you've seen Barney's tweets, right? They were incarcerated for touching exhibits at a museum just a couple of days ago. Who knows what trouble they'll manage to get into next?"

A grin twitched at the corner of Marshall's mouth before he said, "They'll be OK, Lilypad."

"Of course they'll be OK," Lily said with a dismissive flick of her hand, "They're Barney and Robin. Barney always has a guy and I bet Robin has a bunch of Canadian contacts. I just want to know that they'll be here for the Fourth! Marvin needs his family around him."

"You just want to get your hands on Barney's copy of _A Christmas Story_," Marshall scoffed.

"Well… that too," Lily agreed. "Ted should have thought about that before he took off with Victoria."

Marshall shrugged and replied, "Worst comes to worst, we can pick the lock at Ted's place and steal his copy."

Lily smirked.

"Tell you what," Marshall said. "I'm going to grab us some drinks from the kitchen and then we can discuss our plan of attack."

Lily nodded and turned on the TV for some background noise.

When Marshall came back out of the kitchen, he set down the bottles on the coffee table and plopped onto the couch.

He had just relaxed when Lily exclaimed, "Marshall!"

"Sweetie, everything's fine," Marshall said automatically.

"No," Lily said, exasperatedly turning his head in the direction of the TV, "_Look_! It's Robin and Barney!"

"What have they gotten up to this ti–"

Upon seeing the image, he froze and his mouth dropped open.

"_Sweet mother of god_."

_-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_

_[Commercial Break.]_

_-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_


	4. Chapter 4

_Disclaimer: Despite my best efforts between the last chapter and this one, HIMYM still doesn't belong to me. I can't imagine why TPTB won't accept my offer of pocket lint in exchange for a financially successful TV show… ;-)_

_A/N: Many thanks to everyone who is still reading and reviewing this fic!  
_

* * *

**Chapter Four**

* * *

"Shit," Robin muttered, frantically pulling on her clothes.

For whatever the reason, she'd slept straight through her alarm. And she highly suspected that Barney was still asleep, as he hadn't answered any of her calls so far.

"C'mon, pick up," she groaned, listening to Barney's phone ring.

And then – thank god.

Barney's sleepy voice greeted her with an only slightly grumpy, "What up, Sherbatsky?"

"Barney, it's eleven," Robin told him. "We overslept. We've already missed the start of the parade, but if we hurry, we can make the opening ceremonies at noon."

"Sleep instead?" Barney asked pleadingly, voice surprisingly small and childish.

"No. _Up_," Robin responded. "Look, if you meet me in the lobby within the next fifteen minutes, I'll even buy you a beaver tail from one of the stalls when we get there."

"When you say 'beaver tail,' do you mean –" Barney began.

"– I mean the delicious fried pastry," Robin interjected, not wanting to hear whatever innuendo he came up with at this hour of the morning. "Fifteen minutes, Barney, or I'm dragging you out of your room. And if you aren't dressed, that's your problem."

"And Canada's good fortune," Barney said, and Robin could _hear_ his smirk.

"Fifteen minutes," Robin reiterated, and shut her phone with a firm snap.

_-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_

Forty-five minutes later found Robin and Barney by the main stage for the Canada Day Parade's opening ceremonies.

In addition to purchasing Barney the promised beaver tail (which he was currently munching on), Robin had bought him a maple-leaf bedecked tie that – with great effort – she had wrangled him into wearing. For herself, she had purchased a Canadian Flag T-shirt.

Waves upon waves of people were packed around the stage, most of them in shades of red and white paired with denim.

"My god, it's like a meeting for the sartorially-impaired," Barney muttered, though very quietly. He had apparently learned his lesson about bad-mouthing Canadians to their faces the last time he'd been in the area.

The opening ceremony was beautiful and included a re-affirmation of the Canadian Oath as well as a (somewhat off-key) singing of 'O Canada' by the crowd.

By the end of the song, Robin's eyes were suspiciously watery and she felt overwhelmed with a sudden, fierce affection for everyone around her. She might be a U.S. resident nowadays, but she would always love her homeland.

Glancing briefly at Barney, she was surprised to note that he wasn't mocking the ceremony. In fact, he was watching her with a look on his face that she could only describe as fond.

Upon being caught, Barney gave her a small, genuine smile, and Robin felt a sudden rush of warmth that had nothing to do with the press of the crowd around them.

_-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_

After the ceremony concluded, the two of them wandered around the area, taking in the sights.

"You know," Robin mused absently, sipping her newly-purchased coffee, "I've always thought it would be a lot of fun to march in a parade."

Barney nodded, attention absorbed by a juggling display over in a corner. Then what she'd said seemed to register and he snapped his head around.

"Sherbatsky," he said, a familiar wicked gleam in his eyes, "Challenge – wait for it – _accepted_."

_-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_

In a surprisingly short amount of time, the pair had located an active parade and slipped into the line. Grinning, Barney and Robin marched along with the costumed performers, waving at the crowd.

"This trip," Barney conceded, "hasn't been as bad as I thought it would be."

"Told you," Robin said smugly.

Whatever Barney had been about to say in reply was cut off as he suddenly winced.

"Geez, Sherbatsky," he muttered, "I know your people are friendly and all, but some of these folk are taking it a bit far. Four men have pinched my ass since we joined this parade and six have called me 'sweetie.' _Six_. I mean, I know I'm good looking, but…"

Robin frowned. Barney had a point. Canadians were friendly, but not normally _this_ friendly.

"Then again, I'm not sure this group is all that bright, anyway," Barney continued, gesturing to a nearby woman waving a small flag. "I mean, isn't your flag supposed to have a maple leaf on it?"

Robin took a closer look at the flag and noted its design for the first time: horizontal rainbow stripes.

"Uh, Barney –" she began in sudden comprehension, but it was too late.

Barney, being Barney, had already made himself the center of attention.

"My fellow parade-goers!" Barney proclaimed loudly to the crowd. "Before this week, I ridiculed you; you were the butt of my jokes and the scum under my well-polished Armani shoes. But thanks to my best friend here" – he clapped Robin on the shoulder – "I've come to understand that while you may not be like me, you are still human beings. I'll never understand your lifestyle – and frankly, I think your dress sense is hideous – but I now defy anyone who says you are worthless. After all, Robin Sherbatsky is one of you! And one of the best things about Robin is that she doesn't apologize for who she is… something that she learned that from you people. So for that, my friends, I salute you."

He saluted the parade solemnly and cheers went up from among the crowd.

Beaming, Barney began to chant, "Ro-bin! Ro-bin! Ro-bin!"

He paused, cupped a hand around his ear and said, "What? What's that I hear?"

A few nearby parade-goers picked it up ("Ro-bin! Ro-bin! Ro-bin!") and soon the entire crowd was chanting "Ro-bin! Ro-bin! Ro-bin!"

_-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_

_Future!Ted: "Kids, a local news reporter happened to be filming that parade and caught Barney's impassioned speech on tape. When it became known that "Ro-bin" was not only the former Robin Sparkles, but also a celebrity news reporter, the story went viral._

_Of course, neither Robin nor Barney knew that this was happening... yet."_

_-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_

"Barney," Robin hissed, tugging his ear down to her mouth level, "I don't think this is a Canada Day parade."

"Of course it's a Canada Day parade," Barney scoffed. "Just look at all the Canadians here wearing weird costumes and holding signs proclaiming their 'pride' in their nationality. True, a lot of them seem to have gotten the flag wrong, but look at that fellow –" he pointed at a man dressed in a Roman gladiator costume, the Canadian flag as his cape – "Are you going to tell me that he isn't here because he's proud of his heritage?"

"I can't believe I didn't notice all the signs," Robin groaned. "Rainbow flags, people holding 'Pride' posters, men hitting on you more than usual… Barney, this is the annual Toronto _Gay Pride_ Parade."

"What?" Barney said. "No, that can't be true. Look at those guys dressed up as Mounties! And what about the marching band? And the luscious-looking ladies dressed as moose?"

"All here for the Gay Pride Parade," Robin confirmed, shaking her head in amusement. "It must've fallen on Canada Day this year."

"Well," Barney said after a moment of surprised silence, "at least it makes for a good story. We can always tell James and Tom that we were here; they'll get a real kick out of it."

"True," Robin agreed, a small smile growing on her face. "Wanna go see what's playing on the" – she caught sight of the name on a nearby sign and snorted – "Viagra Village Stage?"

Barney snickered and raised his fist, which she promptly bumped.

"Y'know, Sherbatsky," he said as they stealthily exited the parade and headed towards the stage, "I think this parade is something else I'll have to add to my list of Canadian things that don't completely suck."

"Oh?" Robin said, her smile broadening, "and what's on that list so far?"

"Robin, Robin, Robin," Barney said with a sigh, "don't you read my blog anymore?"

"Uh, not when I'm on vacation with you," Robin said.

They had nearly reached the stage when her phone rang.

"Hold on just a sec," she said, checking her caller ID, "this is work. I told them that I wasn't to be disturbed unless it was important, so I should probably answer it."

And with that, she stepped to the side, flipped open her cell phone and said, "Hello?"

"Robin, Robin, Robin," Sandy Rivers' voice greeted her in its usual oily tones. "Why didn't you _tell_ me?"

"Tell you what?" Robin asked cautiously.

"It all makes _sense_ now," he continued. "The way that you regularly turned down my advances… your oddly masculine fashion sense…"

Robin waited with growing trepidation.

"But it's the 21st century, Robin," Sandy said. "It's _OK_ to be gay. We at WWN _support_ you."

"Wait… what?" Robin sputtered.

Surely she'd heard him wrong. It was noisy here, after all.

"And we're so _proud_ of you for coming out of the closet," Sandy continued.

"I'm not gay," Robin said flatly. "Where are you getting this from?"

"Shhh, it's OK," Sandy murmured in what he clearly thought was a soothing manner. "There's no use denying it; we just saw the footage of you at the Toronto Gay Pride Parade. And Robin, I must say, the producers are _thrilled_. We at WWN are progressive, you know, and this will do wonders for our ratings."

Robin massaged her forehead, a headache growing between her eyes.

"Sandy, what part of this aren't you getting?" she asked exasperatedly. "I'm. Not. Gay."

"There's nothing wrong with being gay," Sandy said. "We at WWN don't judge you for wanting to keep it a secret."

"There's nothing wrong with being gay," Robin agreed. "Only I'm _not _gay."

The conversation continued in this vein until Robin hung up on him.

Robin then proceeded to smack her head with her hand until another hand suddenly reached out and stopped her.

"Robin?" Barney asked, face concerned and puzzled.

"WWN," Robin said, barely containing her hysterical laughter, "apparently saw some live footage of your little speech earlier and now thinks that I'm gay."

Barney snorted with laughter.

"Really?" he asked delightedly.

"This is a nightmare," Robin informed him. "No matter what I told Sandy, he wouldn't _listen_ to me. What do you want to bet this 'news' is going to be part of tonight's broadcast?"

"Oh my god, it all makes _sense_ now," Barney said, practically giggling with glee. "No wonder your longest relationship was with Ted."

Robin stared at him, distinctly un-amused.

"You know, because he's a girl?" Barney said helpfully. "Making it a _lesbian_ relationship?"

"I'm never going to be able to find a date again," Robin moaned. "And my _parents_…"

"Pssh," Barney said, waving her concerns off.

If it weren't for the fact that life as she knew it had just ended, Robin would have been thrilled with the smile on Barney's face; he hadn't been this genuinely happy since things ended with Quinn. As it was, however…

"You do realize," Robin said, "that this is all your fault?"

"Um, I'm not the one who brought us to Canada," Barney pointed out. "Nor am I the one who always wanted to be in a parade."

Robin pursed her lips and replied, "No, but you _are_ the one who snuck us into this particular parade. _And_ you're the one who just gave a speech about how I'm one of 'these people.'" Brain whirring at light speed, she continued, "There has to be some way we can fix this…"

And then it hit her.

A smirk settling on her lips, she said, "And I know _just_ how you can help me…"


	5. Chapter 5

_Disclaimer: Since I posted Chapter Four, I've entered negotiations for the rights to HIMYM. It may be several centuries before the deal goes through, though; my pocket lint won't be worth enough until that point. So until that happy day arrives, the show belongs to CBS, Carter Bays, and Craig Thomas.  
_

_A/N: Once again, thanks to everyone who has been reading and reviewing! Your responses truly brighten my day.  
_

* * *

**Chapter Five  
**

* * *

_"You know her as Robin Sherbatsky, WWN's evening news anchor. Made famous by her helicopter exploits, America welcomed her into its homes – and hearts. But what do you really know about her? In tonight's exclusive report, we cover Robin's life story from her origins in the wilds of Canada to her recent rise to reporting fame… as well as a surprising new revelation. Could WWN's best-known reporter be… gay? Tune in at six for more."_

Marshall and Lily sat silently in front of the TV, mouths open at the images of their friends marching in a Gay Pride Parade.

Lily turned to Marshall and asked, "Do you think –"

"– no," Marshall said.

"Your proof?" Lily asked.

"Uh, if Robin was gay, she'd have been way more into kissing you," Marshall said. "Also, I've never seen her checking you out."

Lily wavered, then said, "Maybe – maybe I'm just not her type."

"Lily," Marshall said, "you are the hottest woman I've ever seen. The only reason someone _wouldn't_ want a piece of you would be because they're batting for the other team. Robin's never shown any interest in you sexually, ergo she can't be gay. _Lawyered_."

"Aww, you're so sweet… you liar," Lily said with a sigh. "But you have a point; I've never seen Robin show interest in a woman before. And when she's really horny, she'll go for any attractive Tom, Dick, or Harry, since she's such a huge fan of di –"

_-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_

_Future!Ted: "Lower male appendages, kids; she said 'lower male appendages.'"_

_-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_

"But what're they doing at a Gay Pride Parade?" Lily finished.

"It's Barney and Robin, Lilypad," Marshall pointed out. "Who knows why they do anything."

"True," Lily said with a sigh. "Let's see what else is on TV."

She clicked through a couple of channels, nothing catching her eye.

"Wait… go back a channel," Marshall said suddenly.

Lily clicked back and half-grinned, half-groaned at the now-familiar footage of Robin and Barney marching in the parade.

_"Born 'Robin Charles Sherbatsky' to a man who desperately wanted a son, Robin was raised as a boy. Yet at some point during her teen years she became the ultra-girly pop star Robin Sparkles. What changed? Could she have discovered her preference for females? And just how much did her family background affect her sexual orientation? Stay tuned for the true story behind the well-known face at WWN… coming up on the news at seven."_

"We're never going to let her live this down, are we?" Marshall asked, a smile growing on his face.

"Nope," Lily confirmed.

They high-fived and exchanged matching smirks.

_-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_

All the way in Toronto, Robin felt a disturbance in the force and shivered.

_-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_

"What's the plan?" Barney asked Robin for what must have been the twentieth time as she dragged him back over to the parade.

Robin ignored him, scanning the crowd for something.

When she finally spotted – well, whatever she was looking for – she turned to Barney and said, "Look, you're probably the only straight guy here."

Barney's brow furrowed as he tried to figure out where she was going with this. "OK…?"

"Or at least you're the only guy here that I _know_ is straight," she continued, now babbling. "And I don't have time to try to find another one."

"You could always take off your top and see which guys ogle you," Barney pointed out. "That'd weed the straight dudes out from the gay ones."

"True," Robin agreed. For a split-second it looked as though she was actually considering it, so Barney was a bit disappointed when she shook her head abruptly and said, "No! With my luck, a reporter would catch that on camera too. Can you imagine the spin they'd give _that_?"

Barney chortled. "This just in: famous news anchor Robin Sherbastsky has gone wild, showing off her girls for the ladies!"

"Oh, shut it," Robin muttered, but there was a hint of a grin on her face. She took a deep breath and said, "Look, I'm really sorry about this, but if I don't correct this mistake soon, it'll be bad. If I keep denying that I'm gay, everyone will just think that I'm trying to go back into the closet or whatever, and if I don't deny it, gay kids will look up to me as their role model or something and I'll have to pretend to be gay for the rest of my life so I don't let them down! I'll have to move to upstate New York and wear flannel plaid like my Aunt Liza and find a woman who's willing to act as my beard and –"

Barney, bemused, cut her off to say, "Breathe, Sherbatsky."

Robin nodded and took a deep breath before continuing.

"I guess what I'm just trying to say is… play along," she said, eyes pleading with him. "Please?"

Baffled, Barney gave a small nod of consent.

Looking at once relieved and even more nervous, she pulled him back into the parade proper.

He had a suspicion as to what was coming, but he couldn't be right. Nah. Robin wouldn't –

And suddenly she was kissing him; wildly, passionately.

Apparently she both could and _would_. There must be a reporter somewhere in the crowd.

A small portion of him was furious with her for using him like this. Despite everything, he still loved her; she had to know that, had to be taking advantage of that.

On the other hand, surely this was preferable to her making out with some other guy?

Although his initial response to her kiss was tentative, soon hormones and _feelings_ won out and he had lost himself in the sheer Robin-ness of her. It was, he reflected, a bit like coming home. It felt _right_.

And that just made him angrier. Because what right did she have to kiss him? What right did she have to remind him of what he'd never be able to have?

Frustrated in both senses of the word, Barney fought for control of their kiss, which was quickly turning bruising.

Robin gasped into his mouth, then let out a small moan and wiggled in closer to him, his forcefulness apparently turning her on.

The breathy sounds that she was making caused white-hot desire to pound through his veins and straight down to his groin.

He bucked slightly against her; her hips rose to meet his and –

To hell with complications; they'd deal with those later.

For now, all that mattered was that she was Robin and he was Barney, and they were finally, _finally_ where they belonged.

_-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_

_Future!Ted: "And that, kids, is how Uncle Barney finally scored a 'lesbian.'"_

_-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_

_[Commercial Break.]_

_-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_


	6. Chapter 6

_Disclaimer: I'm one week closer to owning HIMYM; my pocket lint is already worth .00000000000000000000000000001% more! Just a couple more centuries to go__…_  


___A/N: Seriously, you guys are awesome. Thank you so much for all of your reviews! Hopefully this chapter lives up to expectations.  
_

* * *

**Chapter Six  
**

* * *

_Future!Ted: "So what were Victoria and I up to while Barney and Robin were sucking face, you ask? Good question."_

_-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_

"Huh," Victoria said. "So this is the second largest rubber band ball in the world."

"Yep," Ted replied. "It was created by John Baine in 1998 when he was working in a mail room at Skadden Arps in Wilmington, Delaware. This beauty took him over _two years_ to complete."

"It's pretty cool," Victoria said, studying the ball in fascination.

Gazing at her adoringly, Ted said, "_You're_ pretty cool."

"You're not bad yourself," Victoria said with a smile, leaning in to kiss him.

_-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_

_Future!Ted: "Now as I told you earlier, Victoria and I had made a pact not to tell each other the 'L' word until we'd been together for six months; we'd both jumped into that part of the relationship too fast in the past and we wanted this time – this relationship – to be different."_

_Son: "Uh-huh."_

_Future!Ted: "It was a mutual agreement!"_

_Daughter: "_Please_, Dad. Everyone knows what a 'mutual agreement' means."_

_Future!Ted: "OK, fine, it was totally her idea. But it was a good one… at first. The problem was, it kept getting harder and harder not to tell her those three little words. In fact, I was about to break our pact just then…"_

_-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_

They broke apart from their kiss and exchanged sappy smiles.

"Victoria," Ted said seriously, "I l –"

And then his phone rang.

From the ringtone (The Proclaimers' "I'm Gonna Be"), Ted immediately knew that it was Marshall. Marshall wouldn't call unless it was important.

"I'm sorry," he told Victoria. "I have to take this."

"Go ahead," she told him.

Giving her a quick smile of thanks, he opened his phone and said, "Hey, Marshall. What's up?"

As he listened to Marshall's story, his jaw dropped.

"Wait, you're _where_?" he asked.

_-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_

_1 hour earlier:_

After finally tearing themselves away from the footage of Barney and Robin at the Toronto Gay Pride Parade, Marshall and Lily had created an all-but-foolproof plan for breaking into Ted's apartment to steal his copy of _A Christmas Story_.

They were dressed in black from head to toe and ready to leave when:

"Hold on," Lily said. "What about Marvin?"

"Marvin!" Marshall muttered, slapping his forehead. "I knew we were forgetting something. Curse this sleep deprivation! Should we take him with us?"

"And risk him waking up mid-break-in to betray us with loud crying?" Lily said skeptically. "I don't _think_ so."

"OK," Marshall said. "One of us will have to stay behind with him, then."

"This is a two-person job, Marshall!" Lily said. "Besides, it shouldn't take us too long. Maybe we could just leave him here?"

"And run the risk of him managing to suffocate himself?" Marshall retorted. "It's like you didn't read the baby books I gave you, Lily."

"Crap," Lily groaned. "We're screwed. And we haven't found a babysitter yet, either."

Marshall paused for a second, then said, "Wait, I have an idea! Let me try my new hypnosis skills on Marvin."

"Marshall, watching _The Mentalist_ does not mean that you are capable of hypnotizing anyone!" Lily huffed.

"Uh, first of all, _The Mentalist _is awesome. Secondly… just let me _try_," Marshall said. "It's not like it'll harm anything."

"Fine," Lily said. "_Fine_."

Permission granted (however grudgingly), Marshall crept into a sleeping Marvin's room.

"Hey there buddy," he whispered. "Mommy doesn't think that I can hypnotize you, but we'll prove her wrong, right?"

Marvin blinked open his eyes and yawned. Then he opened his small mouth and began to cry. Loudly.

"Shhh, shhh," Marshall muttered frantically. "Uh… right. Hypnotism. Look into my eyes, Marvin. You are feeling calm and tired. So very calm and heavy and tired. You just can't find the energy to make noise. Sink back in the sand and listen to the waves go in… and out… and in… and out… Oh, I forgot to mention – you're on a beach right now."

Marvin's cries continued unabated.

"Shit," Marshall muttered. "There's gotta be something I can do…"

His eyes fell on a bottle of unopened wine from the baby shower sitting on the shelf.

"No, I couldn't…"

Marvin's cries turned into screams.

"Marshall?" Lily called.

Marshall exited the room hastily.

"I'm just gonna get Marvin his bottle," Marshall told Lily. "Clearly hypnosis doesn't work when the subject has an empty stomach."

Lily rolled her eyes, but relaxed back onto the couch.

In the kitchen, Marshall grabbed Marvin's bottle of pre-pumped breast milk from the refrigerator. After hesitating for a few seconds, he pulled an open bottle of wine out as well. He nervously added a tablespoon's worth of the wine to the milk, then returned the wine to the refrigerator. After mixing it in thoroughly, he hurried back to Marvin.

Lifting Marvin out of his crib, Marshall proceeded to rock him back and forth.

"Are you hungry, little guy?" he asked the squalling infant. "Here's your bottle."

And with that, he guided the bottle to the baby's mouth.

"Shhh, there you go," he murmured, watching Marvin suck greedily at the bottle.

Temporarily silenced by the bottle in his mouth, Marvin gulped down every last drop of milk. Shortly after finishing it, his eyelids began to flutter and soon he was fast asleep in Marshall's arms, a small, limp deadweight.

Marshall sighed with relief and hurried back out to Lily.

"He should be out for a couple of hours," Marshall informed Lily. "If we put him in the harness, we can take him along."

Lily raised an eyebrow skeptically and asked, "So you hypnotized him?"

"Well… not exactly," Marshall admitted.

"Then he could still wake up and give us away," Lily pointed out.

"He won't," Marshall assured her.

Lily frowned. "And how exactly are you so certain?"

"Because… because… I tried a remedy of my mom's," he confessed in a rush.

"Marshall!" Lily said exasperatedly. "I thought we agreed to discuss 'remedies' before using them."

"Hey, Mom says that she used to put beer into my milk bottle all the time, and _I_ turned out OK!" Marshall said defensively.

"You did _what_?" Lily asked in a deadly whisper. "Marshall Erikson, don't tell me that you gave our child _beer_!"

"No, of course not!" Marshall said.

"Thank god," Lily said, calming down. "It's bad enough that Marvin's first outing was to a bar, but –"

"I used wine," Marshall continued. "Much classier."

Lily opened and closed her mouth a few times silently. When she finally regained her voice, Marshall shrunk before her tirade.

"Maybe things are different in Minnesota, but here in New York we do _not_ drug our children!" she screeched.

"I only used a tablespoon!" Marshall protested. "Barely enough to knock him out for our expedition."

"You're not helping your case, Marshall!" Lily hissed.

Marshall opened his mouth, closed it, and took a deep breath. When he finally spoke, his voice was carefully calm.

"Look, I won't put wine in Marvin's bottle again if it bugs you that much, but what's done is done," he told his wife. "Let's just get that DVD while he's still asleep, OK?"

Lily pursed her lips and said, "OK."

_-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_

_Future!Ted: "Marshall and Lily's plan was a work of art. Add in the fact that they worked together like a well-oiled machine, and everything should have gone seamlessly. There was just one problem… they didn't know that I'd installed a new security system."_

_-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_

_Wheee-ooo! Wheee-ooo!_

_Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep!_

_Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep!_

_Wheee-ooo! Wheee-ooo!_

"Shit, shit, _shit_!" Lily hissed, desperately pressing buttons in an attempt to stop the noise. "Ted must have put in a new alarm system!"

"Just grab the movie and let's get out of here!" Marshall replied, putting his hands over a miraculously still-sleeping Marvin's ears.

_Ree-ooo-ree-ooo-ree-ooo!_

"Are those police sirens?" Lily asked, now frantically searching for the movie.

"I don't know, baby, just _hurry_!" Marshall responded.

When Ted's DVD shelf didn't yield _A Christmas Story_, Lily started looking under couch cushions and in the refrigerator.

"Any luck?" Marshall asked.

"No!" Lily said. "You don't think he brought it with him on the road trip, do you?"

"Maybe," Marshall said. "A little taste of home away from home, you know?"

_Ree-ooo-ree-ooo-ree-ooo!_

"Whatever the sound is, it's getting closer!" he added. "To heck with the movie, let's just get out of here."

"No!" Lily said. "We've already come this far. I'm not leaving without that movie."

"We can buy a copy at Books & More," Marshall told her, tugging on her arm.

But it was too late.

"NYPD," a female detective barked, suddenly appearing behind them. "Hands in the air!"

Reluctantly, both Lily and Marshall obeyed the order.

"Look," Lily said, "this isn't what it looks like. This is our friend Ted's apartment and –"_  
_

"Stealing from a friend? That's cold," the detective said, handcuffing Lily and then Marshall. "And bringing a baby along?"

She shook her head in disgust, before adding, "You both have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney…"

_-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_

_Future!Ted: "After being patted down and interviewed at the police station, Marshall and Lily were put in a holding cell until someone could provide them with bail. But I'll get back to that in a minute. In the meantime, back in Toronto…"_

_-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_

Barney and Robin were still kissing when reality rudely intruded in the form of irritated parade-goers.

"Hey, lovers, you're holding up the parade!" Gladiator Guy yelled. "Go get a room somewhere, will ya?"

This served to dampen the mood as effectively as a bucket of cold water; Barney and Robin immediately broke apart.

"Really," a woman holding a 'Gay and Proud' sign huffed, "there are _children_ here. Take your perverted public display elsewhere, please."

"I don't have a problem with straight people as long as they act normal," another man chimed in loudly. "But there's no call for you folks to rub your heterosexuality in our faces!"

The crowd rumbled in angry agreement.

Robin turned to the crowd and, smiling nervously, called out, "Look, this is all just a big misunderstanding! We –"

"– have a right to do whatever we damn well please!" Barney cut in, adrenaline and endorphins combining to make him even more reckless than usual. "The First Amendment guarantees us the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And this, my Canadian friends, is a prime example of the pursuit of happiness!"

Robin grimaced, well aware that his words weren't going to go over well.

"Americans, eh?" Gladiator Guy called. "Come here to spoil our celebrations with your gun-slinging, loud-mouthed ways?"

"No!" Robin interjected hastily in her strongest Canadian accent. "We're out here to –"

"Are you saying that only straight people are allowed to be happy?" a hockey-jersey bedecked man asked belligerently.

Robin tried to explain. "That's not what –"

But it was too late. The crowd – already pumped-up – had turned on them.

"Get 'em!" a woman wearing a moose headdress hollered. "Let's teach these _Americans_ a lesson they'll never forget!"

The crowd bellowed in agreement.

"Run," Robin muttered to Barney, grabbing his hand.

_-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_

_Future!Ted: "Kids, your Aunt Robin and Uncle Barney ran eight blocks with a crowd of angry parade-goers in hot pursuit before they found an actual Mountie. After explaining the situation to him, the bemused Mountie put them in a jail cell overnight for their own protection."_

_-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_

"Sorry about this," the Mountie said, locking them into a cell. "We're normally very friendly up here. Don't know what got into those folks, I'm sure. But they'll have calmed down by tomorrow; we're a peaceable people. Still, it's probably best that you leave the area for a bit, just in case."

"Our flight leaves tomorrow night," Robin assured him.

After the Mountie had departed, Robin turned to face Barney.

"So… this sucks," she said in as cheerful a tone as she could manage. "Oh well, at least we're getting a feel for the average Canadian jail, right?"

Barney shrugged.

"And at least the guy gave us some water bottles and energy bars," Robin continued, now rambling nervously. "I mean, it could be a lot worse."

"Whatever," Barney muttered.

"And this'll make for a good post on twitter," Robin said.

Barney frowned at the wall.

"OK, what's going on with you?" Robin asked. "You're acting like something crawled up your ass and died there."

Barney's gaze flew to hers.

"What's going on with me?" he scoffed. "What's going on with me? You seriously have to ask that, Robin?" It seemed he'd wanted to get this off his chest for a while. "You _kissed_ me!"

"I did say I was sorry about that," Robin said timidly. With a hint of indignation, she added, "And it's not like you didn't participate! You could have stopped at any time, you know!"

"No, I couldn't have. And what's going _on_ is that you push me away and then reel me back in and then push me away again!" Barney spat bitterly. "What's going _on_ is that you keep sending me all these conflicting signals. What's going _on_ is that you made bimbos and one-night stands lose their appeal. And just to round it all off, now I'm stuck with those meaningless one night stands, because no woman wants a man who'll always be in love with someone else!"

Robin couldn't have moved even if she wanted to. Barney's eyes were fixed on hers and she felt as though they were burning straight through to her soul.

_No woman wants a man who'll always be in love with someone else!_

Was he saying…?

Barney took a ragged breath, and continued. "I mean, let's face it, I was never exactly any quality woman's first choice, but now?"

He laughed derisively.

With a shrug, he added, "But that's my problem, not yours. Just… stop jerking me around, yeah? Bros shouldn't do that to each other."

"I…" Robin stammered, unsure of what to say. "… Barney…"

When she didn't add anything, Barney's shoulders slumped.

"I'm going to sleep," he informed her.

He leaned against the wall and closed his eyes again.

And despite the fact that he was only a few feet away from her, Robin had never before felt their distance so keenly.

Only…

_You made bimbos and one-night stands lose their appeal._

_No woman wants a man who'll always be in love with someone else! _

_Stop jerking me around._

For months, Robin – certain that she'd missed her chance – had been (poorly) coping with the fact that Barney was no longer interested in her. She'd been swallowing back her misery at the fact that they were growing farther and farther apart.

If there was even the slightest chance that this was a second chance (third chance? fourth?), she was going to grasp it with both hands. She wasn't going to be a coward anymore.

And even if this wasn't a second chance, Barney deserved some long-overdue explanations from her. That he could believe that _he_ was the one that was lacking was more than she could bear.

So, steeling her courage, she opened her mouth and began to speak.

_-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_

_[Commercial Break.]  
_

___-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_


	7. Chapter 7

_Disclaimer: My pocket lint has gone up another __ .0000000000000000000000000000 1th percent in value. That's right; HIMYM will be mine any day now.__  
_

___A/N: You guys are, in Barney's words, legen–_wait for it___–dary. Thank you so much for joining me on this journey and for all of your kind reviews! I've never churned out a chaptered fic on such a consistent (and ____–_ for me ___–_ quick) schedule before and my having done so is largely thanks to all of you. While I believe in writing for the sheer sake of creation, I won't deny that I have found your feedback both helpful and inspirational. ;-)  


_____Hopefully the B/R talk in this chapter isn't too out of character. Since neither Barney nor Robin is big on discussing their feelings (especially directly), it's rather difficult to write them doing so... but they need to do it if they're going to lay the groundwork for a healthy, long-lasting relationship._

* * *

**Chapter Seven**

* * *

And so Robin told Barney the whole story, from their dance at Punchy's wedding to her attempts to break him and Nora up; from her court-mandated therapy sessions to her reasons for staying with Kevin; from her discovery of her infertility to her short-lived engagement; from the origins of his relationship with Quinn to its end, and everything in between.

She talked until her voice was hoarse and then she talked some more. When she'd finally finished, she fell silent and awaited Barney's judgment.

"Why didn't you tell me any of this before?" he asked at last, voice quiet and face unreadable.

Robin shrugged awkwardly.

"Because I'm really, really screwed-up?" she said. "Look, remember when you asked me why I was so afraid of giving us a chance all those years ago?"

"You said it was because you were scared by how much you liked me," Barney said.

"Well, that pretty much says it all," Robin said. "And I've made some colossally selfish and stupid decisions because I've been scared shitless."

She shrugged again, then said, "I'll understand if you hate me; _I_ hate me for some of what I've done."

The cell was heavy with silence.

Then Barney said, "I'm not going to lie; you hurt me, Robin. And I hate the fact that you didn't tell me any of this earlier; the fact that you felt you _couldn't_ tell me any of this earlier. I hate that you had to deal with some of this stuff alone. I hate that I'm the last one in our group of friends to know about a lot of this when I should have been the first. I hate the fact that we missed so many damn opportunities. But… I don't hate you. I could never hate you – even though that that made me really angry sometimes." His face and voice were almost painfully vulnerable throughout this entire speech. "I have to ask, though: why tell me all of this _now_?"

"Because you deserve to know, even if it comes too late," Robin said, stumbling to make herself clear. "And because you need to understand that you – you aren't that guy you think you are. Any girl would be lucky to have you, Barney; I mean it. Yeah, you have your annoying traits, but you're one of the best men I know. And, uh, any woman who doesn't choose you is an idiot of the first degree. Because, y'know, you're awesome; in fact, you're the awesomest person I know. And that guy who lives in the mirror? Totally a pale imitation of the real thing."

A small smile tugged at the corner of Barney's mouth.

"So, uh, not to sound like Ted or anything, but what does this mean?" he asked at last.

Robin took a deep breath and, trembling, replied, "It means that I'm in love with you. And I understand if you don't –"

Barney (who had been steadily moving closer as she talked), cut her off with a finger to her lips.

"Robin," he said, "you're an _idiot_."

And then he kissed her.

_-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_

_Future!Ted: "Kids, to this day, Barney and Robin swear that that kiss caused what happened next."_

_-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_

The lights in the jail flickered then abruptly went out.

Deeply absorbed in their kiss, neither Barney nor Robin noticed this at first. After a few minutes, though…

"What the hell?" Robin said, reluctantly pulling away from Barney. "Is it just me, or did the lights go out?"

"They couldn't take our combined awesomeness," Barney said with a small shrug. "True story. Besides, this is _Canada_, Robin, of course there are going to be technical problems."

Robin rolled her eyes and bit back a laugh.

Trust Barney to still be ragging on Canada.

"So, uh," she began hesitantly, "not to be the Ted or anything, but…"

Barney immediately said, "Of course I still want you. And I don't care about the infertility thing. Even if I wanted kids, I'd still take you over them any day. But I _don't_ want kids. Yeah, they're cute and all, but they're just… well, they're decidedly un-awesome for _years_, what with poopy diapers and tantrums and stuff. Why deal with kids full time when I can get away with being the cool uncle instead?"

"Are you sure?" Robin asked him. "Really, truly sure? Because this is a big thing, Barney, and it's not going to change. I don't want you to wake up some day with regrets and resent me."

"Pfff," Barney said. "Robin, I'm as sure of this as I'm sure that suits are awesome." Sensing her uneasiness, he added in a more serious tone, "I mean it."

"So…" Robin said, smile beginning to unfold, "We're really doing this?

"We're really doing this," Barney confirmed wonderingly.

They exchanged smiles (even though they couldn't see one another) and moved in for another kiss.

Suddenly there was a muffled thump and metallic clang.

"God damn it!" Barney cursed.

"What happened?" Robin asked.

"These effing stupid cell bars happened, that's what," Barney muttered, rubbing his newly-bruised forehead. "Why do they put them there, huh? _Canada_."

_-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_

_Future!Ted: "Marshall and Lily needed someone to post their bail, so Victoria and I drove the 240-odd miles back to Manhattan as soon as I got off the phone. Victoria was a pretty good sport about our trip getting cut short, and that only made me want to tell her the 'L' word more."_

_-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_

"This has been a lot of fun, Ted," Victoria said, changing the radio station.

"Yeah, it has, hasn't it," Ted agreed with a smile. "We should do this again sometime. Soon."

"I'd love to," Victoria said. "Only I can't leave my bakery for too long very often. Jill is a great baker and a really sweet girl, but _not_ the best business manager."

The song on the radio changed, and Victoria clapped her hands in delight.

"I love this song!" she said excitedly, and turned up the volume.

"I love –" he began, briefly taking his eyes off the road.

"You do? That's awesome." Victoria said. "I've never met anyone else who loves this song. Wanna sing it with me?"

Ted stifled a sigh of disappointment and said, "Sure."

Much though he adored her, Victoria really was a godawful singer.

Still, as Ted watched her bob her head to and fro, belting out the song's chorus, he realized that there was nowhere else he'd rather be.

_-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_

_Future!Ted: "When we finally reached Manhattan, I bailed Marshall and Lily out of jail and took them back to their apartment. Once there, Victoria cooed over a miraculously placid Marvin while Lily heated up some leftover pizza for all of us. Meanwhile, Marshall turned the TV on to the local news."_

_-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_

On the TV, a pretty female news anchor proclaimed, "And reports are pouring in from those who know the reporter… or at least thought that they did. Mrs. Goldstein says: 'I've watched them at that bar for years. But never did I think… well, let's just say that some things make a lot more sense now. I always thought that she was that Ted boy's beard – and what a shame for such a lovely young woman! – but it turns out it was the other way around! Didn't I tell Mrs. Madsen that there was something off in that relationship?'"

Ted froze, before dismissing his initial thoughts as paranoia. After all, Manhattan was a big city; surely there were many Mrs. Madsens in Manhattan who knew Teds that they thought were gay.

Still…

He turned his attention back to the TV, where the female anchor was still speaking.

"Ex-boyfriends of Robin's have been weighing in too: former co-host of _Come On, Get Up, New York!_, Don Frank says: 'I should have known; I mean, she turned me down when I performed the Naked Man! What straight woman would do that?'

Kevin Venkataraghavan, on the other hand, says: 'Wow. Talk about a surprise! I'd always thought that she still had feelings for one of her male friends and that that's why we didn't work out. Well, that and the fact that she didn't want kids.'"

The reporter smiled sympathetically and added, "Well, Kevin, at least you know the truth now!"

Ted's jaw dropped.

_What the…_

On the television, the news anchor continued, "Meanwhile, Betty Albers, lover to one of Robin's aunts, says: 'Good for you, Robin, sweetie! You have our support.'"

"Marshall?" Ted said weakly. "Do you know anything about this?"

Chortling, Marshall filled Ted and Victoria in on the story, Lily adding the occasional bit of commentary from the kitchen.

No sooner had Marshall and Lily finished telling Ted the story than Victoria drew their attention back to the TV.

"Guys, I think you'll want to see this," she said, eyes wide.

Everyone turned to the TV. Upon seeing the latest video footage of Robin and Barney locked in a kiss, Ted choked on his sip of water.

Lily let out a squeal.

"I knew it!" she told a slightly shell-shocked looking Marshall. "Pay up!"

Grumbling, Marshall dug in his pocket for his wallet, from whence he procured a crisp twenty dollar bill. He silently passed the bill over to a beaming, entirely smug Lily.

"You bet on Robin and Barney?" Ted said disbelievingly. Then, with a shake of his head, he corrected himself. "Wait, what am I saying? Of _course_ you two bet on their love life. I mean, you bet on Robin and I, why wouldn't you bet on Robin and Barney?"

He tried to push down the sudden shameful jealousy that had bubbled in his stomach when he'd seen Robin and Barney kiss.

Robin didn't love him and he'd thought that he'd gotten over that. Only… understanding that Robin didn't want him and being confronted with the evidence that she seemingly _did_ want Barney were two very different things.

But he had Victoria now. Sweet, funny, pretty Victoria. Victoria, who had left Klaus for him on the day of their wedding. Victoria, who wanted the same things he did.

Besides, Robin and Barney were both his friends. Yeah, they were probably a disaster waiting to happen – _again_ – but that was their decision to make. And who knew? Maybe the whole thing would blow over by the time they came home anyway. He was probably worrying about nothing.

Yeah, that sounded about accurate. After all, this was Robin and Barney. They were probably due for a no-strings-attached relapse, right?

And with this settled, he turned his attention back to Marshall and Lily's spirited discussion of the importance of betting.

Unbeknownst to him, however, Victoria had noticed his distraction and was regarding him with a small frown as she rocked Marvin back and forth in her arms.

_-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_

_Future!Ted: "I didn't know it at the time, but this was the beginning of the end for Victoria and me. But I'll get back to that in a bit… after all, we didn't break up until several months later."_

_Son: "Dad?_ Please_ tell me we're almost done here."_

_Daughter: "Yeah, I actually have a life outside of this house; or at least I_ used_ to have one. It feels like we've been here for eight years or something."_

_Future!Ted: "Don't exaggerate, kids; we haven't been here_ that_ long. At the most, it's been seven years."_

_[The kids silently groan as he chuckles at his own joke.]_

_Future!Ted: "After getting out of jail the next day, Barney and Robin flew back to Manhattan. And so Lily got her wish after all: we were all there for that Fourth of July."_

_-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_

"Sparklers?" Lily barked.

"Check!" Ted replied, brandishing the box.

"Burgers and hot dogs?"

"Check!" an aproned Marshall called from his place at the grill.

"_Independence Day_?"

"Uh…" Barney said.

Lily looked as though she was about to breathe fire.

"It's right here," Robin said from her place beside Barney on the couch, holding up the DVD.

Pacified, Lily continued her interrogation.

"_A Christmas Story_?"

"Already in the DVD player, Lily," Ted said. "Which, by the way, is where it was at my apartment too."

"Dude!" Marshall said. "Why didn't we think to check there?"

Lily, however, was already thinking about something else.

"Has anyone seen my camera?"

"I think I saw it over on the kitchen counter," Victoria offered.

"Thank god," Lily sighed, rushing to grab it.

Ted leaned over to where Marvin was resting in his cradle.

"We're all kind of crazy," he informed Marvin. "But we're the best sort of crazy, I promise."

Barney snorted. "Please, Ted, don't go giving the kid false information. We aren't crazy here… we're crazy _awesome_. Well, most of us are. OK, fine, maybe just Robin and me."

Ted rolled his eyes but Robin laughed and gave Barney a quick kiss.

"Not in front of Marvin!" Lily snapped, re-entering the room with her camera. "I know you two and you never stop at just one kiss; Marvin's too young to get a s-e-x education."

Barney and Robin exchanged amused glances.

"Uh, Lily, I don't think that Marvin even recognizes the word 'se–" Robin began.

"Don't!" Marshall said, re-entering the room with a plate of grilled meat. "We want Marvin to remain innocent for as long as possible."

"Sex, sex, _sex_!" Barney sing-songed, leaning in towards Marvin.

Grinning, Robin joined in to the tune of the Bang Song: "I said a sex, sex, a sexy sex sex, I said a sex sex sexy sex sex!"

Soon she and Barney were harmonizing, much to the rest of the group's reluctant amusement.

"OK, picture time!" Lily finally said, adjusting a paper party hat on Marvin's head. "C'mon, I want all of you over here by the couch."

Everyone crowded in.

"On the count of three…" Lily said, setting the timer and rushing into the picture. "One… two…"

"Cheese!"

_Click_.

_-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_

_Future!Ted: "Due to Marshall's legal skills and my testimony, Marshall and Lily only got a fine and community service for breaking into my apartment. As for Robin…"_

_-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_

"Next up on Entertainment Daily… why famous reporter Robin Sherbatsky's latest make-out session with GNB's hunky Barney Stinson doesn't mean that she isn't gay."

_-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_

_Future!Ted: "Eventually, however, things died down and Robin's life continued as usual. Of course, a year later, there was a whole new media frenzy when she and Barney announced their engagement. But I'll get to that in a bit… don't want to get ahead of myself.  
_

___Kids, there's a reason for everything in this world._ Barney didn't want to go to Canada for Canada Day, but if he hadn't, he and Robin might not have gotten back together. And if he and Robin hadn't gotten back together, then I might not have met your mother…"

_-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_

**_A little while down the road__…_  
**

"Hey, Robin," Ted said, stepping into Robin's dressing room. "You look beautiful."_  
_

"Really?" Robin asked, nervously smoothing her skirt.

"Really," Ted assured her. "So_…_ what was the cause for my summons?"

"Can't a bride just want to talk to her best man before the wedding?"

"_…_ no. Not really," Ted told her. "Sorry."

"Eh, it was worth a try," Robin said. "Just_…_ are we doing the right thing here, me and Barney?"

"Robin, do you love Barney?" Ted asked patiently.

"Of course I do!" Robin said.

"And Barney feels the same way," Ted told her. "Look_…_ I never thought you guys would have a big white wedding. Frankly, I never thought that you two would last for more than a month, let alone get married."

"Thanks, Ted," Robin said dryly. "That's really reassuring."

"Hey, you didn't let me finish!" Ted protested. "I didn't think that you guys would last_…_ but I was wrong. You two are the real deal, Robin. I didn't get it at first, but you guys fit together like a keystone and a masonry arch, like a –"

"Let's save something for the Best Man speech, shall we?" Robin said, looking amused.

"Right," Ted said. "Look, what I'm trying to say is that you and Barney belong together. And after all we've gone through to get to this day, I swear to God that if you don't march down that aisle and marry him, I will drag you there."

Robin's smile softened.

"Thanks, Ted," she said.

The chatter of guests in the church could be faintly heard, as could the beginning strains of the opening music.

"So, are you ready?" he asked her.

Robin took a deep breath.

"Yeah," she said. "I am."

___-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_

_[The HIMYM closing theme music plays and the end credits begin to roll.]_

_-–-–-–-–-–-–-–-–_


End file.
